A Lost Soul Consumed by Alcoholism and Substance Use

The first time I admitted, I was an alcoholic with substance use was after I wrote a brief biography about myself to be submitted for work.

Unknowingly I wrote a biography screaming for help with my alcohol and substance use. I had exposed my deepest, darkest secrets which left me in a state of vulnerability. The hardest most cringe, worthy moment followed immediately after I submitted my biography. I was confronted by my employer, demanding an explanation on why I would consider myself an alcoholic with substance use. In an instant I came to the realization that I had betrayed myself, and my true nature was on display to be judged. As I stood there nakedly, susceptible to the criticism which was surely coming I stood there feeling alone, abandoned and confused.

I immediately questioned, what have I done?

Why would I share such delicate and intimate details of my life? I now felt a sense of doom pouring over my body like thick molasses, trapping me in a conversation that I was not ready to have. I wanted to run away from the conversation and hide but I was paralyzed by the concern in my employers voice. I had wrote a biography, in which I shared a story of a hypocrite, fighting for her life to remain sober and not currently living the steps of recovery. Stress and paranoia made itself comfortable in the room as I began to explain, how I used alcohol to mask, my true feelings as a young adult. I exposed the ugliness that would become of me when consuming alcohol and indulging in my drug of choice. The many confrontations, sleepless nights and ugly words that I spoke only revealed, who I truly was inside. I was reminded of the dark times when Patron shots and Red Bull chasers ruled my emotions and became my personality for the night.

The more I reflected, and indulged in my past, the more I became submerged in my loneliness a sight I wanted no one to see.

I was proud to be able to conceal my true feelings only letting happiness, laughter and the perception of a good girl show. Ecstasy and Patron had a funny way of ripping off the costume that I had meticulously created to disguise myself in order to blend in with society. The mixture of Red Bull only added fuel to the patron induced good times which would surely turned into arguments, fist fights, and club brawls. A lost, traumatized little girl, trying to live in the big world as an adult using drugs and alcohol to forget the pain caused in a younger life. This only caused me to become a menace to society. As I stood there with tears pouring down that loudly crashed onto my shirt, leaving the evidence of a difficult conversation taking place, my employer proudly announced, welcome to the club. Immediately those words, broke the chains of doubt, embarrassment and despair. I had came to believe the biography was my SOS letter in a bottle and someone was here to save me from the torture I plagued myself with due to my substance use and alcohol disorder. This would be my first steps towards true happiness and activated a long journey to recovery and I knew I was no longer alone.

Lydia, CPSS